


If Only You Hadn't (Picked Up)

by khanadee



Series: Recovery [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Annie is more friendly towards Bert and Reiner in this, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Character name spelled as Bertholdt, Depression, Gen, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love Confessions, M/M, Manga Spoilers, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, There are some currently manga-only characters in this, so a little ooc, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:30:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khanadee/pseuds/khanadee
Summary: You pick up your phone and you call Reiner. If he answers, everything will go back to normal. You won't take anything, and school tomorrow will be the same as ever.





	1. Bertholdt

That had been your third trip downstairs, but it will be worth it. Every poisonous substance you could find in the house is now gathered around you. The bottle of your antidepressants are in one of your hands, and you're reading over the labels because you need to make sure there's a warning on it about taking them with alcohol.

Your mom's wine is lying among the supplies you've gathered. You hope that's enough.

The warning is in small print, and you smile softly in triumph. Everything was coming together, so now you had one last thing to do. You pick up your phone and you call Reiner.

If he answers, everything will go back to normal. You won't take anything, and school tomorrow will be the same as ever.

He does not answer, and you call a second time. The confidence you originally had was quickly evaporating. He does not answer this time, either, so you wait for it to go to voicemail. That stupid answering message plays but you've always thought it was adorable. Everything about Reiner was adorable.

That didn't matter anymore.

"Hey," You whisper shakily, "It's Bertholdt. I was just calling to...uh, make sure you had the answers for that worksheet." You know he does, because he did it with you in Study Hall.  It occurs to you that your eyes are getting watery, so you focus your sight on the bottle of Bleach. You don't actually know what else to say. This is surprising to you. Talking to Reiner was always so easy.

"Reiner," You mumble. It's best you get on to why you really called him.

"I love you very much," You start, "As more than a friend. I hope you can forgive me for what I'm doing. I never wanted to hurt you."

You're crying, so you hang up. He doesn't need to hear that. You wipe your eyes and toss your phone over your shoulder onto your bed.

It was time.

...

The first thing you do is grab the dish soap and watch as it slowly pours into one of the cups you brought up to your room. It almost looks like syrup, if syrup came in shades of red or blue. You follow this process with a few other liquids. The 'multi-purpose cleaning spray' (it's only ever been good for glass) is clear, like water, though there are soapy bubbles mixed in. The laundry detergent is thick and pours quickly, and you end up spilling a little bit. You doubt it will stain your carpet, though you don't really care either way.

The room smells very strongly of cleaning supplies, a smell you've never entirely liked. You doubt you'll like the taste either.

That didn't matter.

You pour the wine into the biggest of the glasses and lean back against your bed frame. It feels weird to be drinking your mother's wine. You feel guilty, even, but you're not sure why. Not when you're about to load your body with everything in the house that can--and hopefully will--kill you.

Before you drink anything, you pop open the lid of your antidepressants and pour what you'll guess is over half of the bottle into your palm. The small pills have always tasted terrible to you, so you're not sure about swallowing this many. You shrug and drop a few of the pills back into the bottle before twisting the lid back on and dropping it into your lap.

"Cheers," You mutter sarcastically, holding to cup of wine out in front of you. You lift your hand to your mouth and let the pills slide into your mouth--bitter taste and all--before nearly chugging the cup of wine.

The bitter taste was still there, so you decide a second glass is in order. It downs easily, and you can hardly taste your medicine anymore. You don't really like the taste of the wine either, though.

The first thing you grab ends up being that stupid cleaning spray. There are less bubbles now than when you originally poured it into the glass. You're nearly sure you're glaring at it, because you're nervous about what it will do to you. Part of your mind is screaming at you to stop.

Instead, you throw your head back and gulp it down like you've seen people do with shot glasses. It doesn't taste good, and it leaves a burning feeling in your mouth and throat.

You follow this process with the watery liquids until you get to the ones more like syrup. Your head feels light and it feels like your going to throw up. You down the laundry detergent before you begin to sputter and cough. Hopefully things were starting to take effect.

By the time you've downed everything in a glass, the world feels like it's spinning and you can't see straight. There are only two or three more things you need to drink before you can call Annie and tell her goodbye.

You don't bother to pour them into a glass, and just drink straight from the container. Your hands are shaking and you nearly drop the gallon of bleach when you pick it up. You hope this kills you, drinking what was left of the bleach from when you last used it to clean. There was less than half the gallon in the bottle. Surely that would be enough.

You're struggling to keep yourself from throwing up. You can't have this all go to waste. Breathing is starting to get harder.

You think you're crying, but you also think you're laughing and grinning.

...

Calling Annie ends up being harder than you thought it would be. You drop the phone and fumble around with trying to pick it up. Your head feels hot and you're unable to focus on anything, but you do notice your nose is running. You've stopped crying, but your body is screaming at you to throw up. You somehow manage to keep it down.

Suddenly, Annie's voice fills your ears, and you panic. She greets you, and you echo your greeting. You feel worse now that she's picked up. You didn't think she'd answer. What a fool you were to think that--she nearly always answered her phone.

There are tears slipping down your cheeks again, and you sniff and cover your face with the hand not holding the phone.

"I'm going to die," You whisper. You're scared. You want to die but you don't want to stop being with Annie and Reiner. You'd miss them too much.

But they'd probably hate you for this. You're such a selfish person, you deserve their hate. You expect her to ask if your mom had done something, and she does. Your mom is cruel. You will not miss her.

"I didn't think you'd pick up," You whisper, "Reiner didn't." You tell her this to try and distract her. Maybe she'll ignore your previous statement.

She doesn't take the bait. She asks you again what happened. Her voice is cold and stern, more so than usual.

"I drank bleach," You finally reply. Guilt tugs at your heart, and the tears are coming back full force.

"And I took some of my antidepressants with my mom's wine," you add. You don't know why you tell her this. You don't know why you're saying any of this.

"I want to die," you cry. She doesn't deserve your stupid, selfish actions. Yet another thing you can add to the ever-growing list of reasons you need to die. Bile begins to rise in your throat, so you clasp your hand over your mouth. You need to die. You do not belong here. You are a terrible excuse for a person and a waste of space. Annie tells you she's going to call for an ambulance and you need to keep your phone on you. You want to tell her 'no, don't waste your time', but what slips out is a thank you.

You hang up before she can reply. The thank you was a mistake. You do not want an ambulance. You do not want help. You just want to die.

...

You finally throw up, but are able to stop most of your stomach from emptying. Part of you is angry over this, because you need that all in your stomach. If you throw it all up, nothing would happen, so you grab one of the bottles and chug its contents. It must've been some sort of soap. You laugh at the thought of it cleansing your mouth of this terrible taste, and this makes you choke.

You collapse onto your side--facing away from the small puddle of vomit and awkwardly crawling away from it.

It hurts to breathe and your throat is still burning. Everything is blurring, and you decide that death must be close. That was good. You're not sure you can handle this much longer. The feeling is unbearable, and you're happy about it. You've told Annie and Reiner goodbye--wait. No you haven't. You didn't get to tell Annie goodbye. You need to wait for her to call back.

How many minutes has it been? Your mind isn't really working anymore, so you're not sure. Ten minutes? Half an hour? Maybe you're actually already dead and your afterlife would be repeating your final moments over and over again.

Something's buzzing. You groan and grab for your phone, thinking it must be Annie. It's actually a text message from Historia, asking if you wanted to go shopping with her and Marco in a few days for Pride Prom. They needed supplies. 

You try and type in a message of 'sure'--though you know this is actually a lie, because you will be dead by then--but it comes out looking like a jumbled mess. You accidentally press send and feel dread mixed with bile rising in your throat.

What if she noticed something was wrong? What if she told Ymir, who told Reiner and then they told everyone else? The thought of a rumor going around of you being depressed scares you. And this fear is making you upset at yourself.

It's alright. You're ok. You'll be dead soon enough, and none of it will be your problem.

(It will be all your fault. Everyone will hate you.)

You carefully type in 'sure' again, getting each letter correct. You press send. You're unsure if you should try and text a fake explanation. She texts you a smiley face, so you know you're off the hook.

You're about to set the phone back down when you realize that Annie was calling you, too. You awkwardly press the accept call button and whisper her name.

She's crying, and you feel guilty and shameful.

You're told that an ambulance is on the way, and you hum. You didn't want the ambulance, and you mumble that, among other things (you hope 'goodbye' was one of the things, but you weren't even sure what you'd said).

She whispers something, but you're too busy hold back the bile in your throat to hear. You cough and sputter with one hand over your mouth to keep your vomit in.   
You feel even more dizzy than you previously had. Things were going black in the corners of your vision. You think someone's yelling, but then you realize its you that's screaming silently.

It burns. It burns and you can hardly see and you want to vomit and scream and cry. Everything was hurting. The hand holding the phone drops to the ground lightly. You doubt it even made a noise through the phone.

The world finally fades away.


	2. Annie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, hey! This is actually the chapter I wrote first, and then Bert's chapter...It might be a bit of a break until Reiner's, since I've been having trouble with it ^^;

Bertholdt was calling. You're not sure why he's calling you at nearly 10 PM, but you have nothing better to do and pick up. You tell him hello and flip the page of the book you're reading.

"Hi," He echoes quietly. You're very used to him being so awkward. It's a Sunday night and you expect him to tell you how his weekend went, like he usually would over text. He doesn't. You can hear him sniffing and guess he has a cold. You don't expect him to say what he does next.

"I'm going to die," he says. You close your book and your face must get more serious, because your brother gives you a questioning look.

"What happened? Was it your mother?" You ask; You know his mother is abusive, but you didn't think she'd ever take it this far. You then realize he's crying.

"I didn't think you'd pick up," He whispers, "Reiner didn't." Well of course he didn't, you think, Reiner was a giant moron. You don't tell him this.

"Bertholdt, please tell me what happened," You repeat, having learned long ago how good he was at avoiding things. You even throw in a please.

"I drank bleach," He whispers. You nearly choke and can feel panic taking over your brain.

"And I took some of my antidepressants with my mom's wine," he added. You know he knows that taking medicine with alcohol isn't safe. They'd always shove that down people's throats during health lessons at school.

"I want to die," he whispers, and you think you're going to cry too. He doesn't deserve this.

You tuck your bangs behind your ear and close your eyes. You need to call for help for him.

"Bertholdt," You start, "I need you to keep your phone on you, I'm going to call for an ambulance."

You only hear a quiet 'thank you' before he hangs up first. Your family is looking at you, but you don't pay attention to them as the operator's voice fills your ears.

"911, what is your emergency?" Her voice is high-pitched and cheery. You find it annoying.

"My friend needs an ambulance," You snap, not don't bothering to wait for her to ask why, "He called me just now and told me he's--" You stutter here. You can't believe this is happening, but you know he needs help.

"...He's...attempting to kill himself," You continue, voice quieter. Your family is staring at you--likely with shocked and concerned looks--but you can't find the mindset in yourself to care about that. The operator's voice becomes more stern when she speaks again.

"Alright," She tells you, "Do you know where he is?"

"229 East Haggard Road. His room's on the second floor. First door on the left," You immediately respond. You've been to his house so many times that you have it mapped out in your head.

"What's your friend's name?" The operator asks. Somehow your mind almost blanks here and you go silent before croaking out your response.

"Bertholdt Hoover," You whisper. The woman on the other end of the line thanks you and asks for your name, and you tell her with ease. Usually you hesitate.

"Alright Miss Leonhardt, an ambulance is on it's way to your friend's location." You thank her in your head.

"Would you like to stay on the line?" The operator asks. You tell her no. You need to call Bertholdt back. You only give her your number before she thanks you for calling and you hang up and drop your phone to cover your face.

Your father is suddenly hugging you, and you feel tears pricking at your eyes. You don't cry very often, but it's Bertholdt. He's one of your two best friends.

You wipe your eyes and pick your phone back up and crawling to lay with your father. He doesn't let you go, and you're actually grateful for this.

The dial rings. Bertholdt doesn't pick up. You try again, and get no answer. You're crying into the third call when you finally get a very quiet 'Annie' over the line.

He's still awake. He's still alive. You don't stop crying, though now it's from relief.

You tell him help is on the way and he makes a noise that sounds like an 'ok'. He doesn't say anything--you're actually not entirely sure he's still breathing--and you get worried. Your mind isn't supplying anything to say. He mumbles something incomprehensible, and you think it might not even be a sentence. He's likely murmuring jumbled up words.

"Stay awake," you whisper. His response is a breathy hum and coughing. It sounds like he's about to throw up.

You're not sure what bleach will do to a human body. You've never thought about it, but obviously Bertholdt has. You repeat that professionals are on the way to help him, but you don't get any response and you still can't hear if he's breathing or not. You're scared when he still doesn't reply after you've whispered his name. You try again and fall quiet.

Nothing.

You're crying and nearly drop the phone again. You know he's not going to respond.

Several minutes pass, but you don't hang up. You can hear sirens through the phone, and you're relieved that he's going to get to a hospital. He needed to be okay. You don't know what you and Reiner would do without him.

The sirens are much louder, and you can hear yelling and loud footsteps. You finally drop the phone after hanging up and let yourself sob loudly.

Your family comforts you, and you let them.

...It takes over an hour for you to remember Reiner, even if you'd thought of him once or twice fleetingly. You pick up your phone and tab to Reiner's messages. You type in a message and hit send, and you wait. It's past 11, so you're don't think he's awake.

You continue to text him anyway.  
  
You don't get a response from him either, but that's expected. He's very obedient of his mother. Like a dog. Normally you'd snort at such a comparison, but you don't in this situation. Bertholdt might be dead...And Bertholdt is one of the most important people in yours and Reiner's lives...You weren't surprised when Bertholdt told you he was in love with Reiner. He'd follow that dumb blond around until the world ran dry. 

A painful feeling clogs up your chest when you realize Bertholdt must have been pushing himself because of how much he cared for you and Reiner. Those feelings must have finally given out on him.

The feeling gets worse when you think of him lying unconscious in his room with bottles of bleach and who-knows-what scattered around him.

You attempt to shrug off the feeling as you settle into your bed. It's dark, and you wonder if this is what death will be like for Bertholdt if he doesn't make it. You know that life will be terrible if Bertholdt doesn't live, and you know Reiner would think the same.

You feel as if you could cry yourself to sleep, and you dream of Bertholdt and Reiner.


	3. Reiner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner finds out about Bert's condition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was having trouble writing this and then inspiration came and beat me over the head, so enjoy this considerably longer chapter!

You're relieved to be home; No more stupid dinner party with people you don't know, no more forced flirting with random girls (you don't even like girls!) and no more awkwardly fitting suit. Said suit is discarded the instant it's off--you don't even bother hanging it up--and you collapse into your bed.

Sweatpants are much more comfortable than that stuffy suit.

You pull out your phone and the first thing you notice is that Bertholdt tried to call you. You find this odd--he's much too nervous to call someone (even you) and prefers texts. It _is_ a Sunday, though, you note. You would always talk with him and Annie on Sunday nights.

You tab to his messages and shrug when you see there are no new messages from him. He probably just called you on accident and didn’t even realize it.

This thought makes you laugh; Bertholdt was always a little on the clumsy side, and his anxiety didn't make it any better. It was oddly adorable to watch.

You type in a quick response and explanation as to why you weren't around. It's 10:30, though. Bertholdt might've gone to sleep already, like you know you need to do as well.

You send him a goodnight text and turn off notifications like you do every night (because Jean and Eren had a tendency to get into fights in a group chat in the middle of the night, and if you leave notifications on you won't get any sleep).

Sleep comes easily.

\---

You don't bother checking your messages when you wake up, just like every morning. You know there will be at least 100 messages from Jean and Eren, and you know you'll have a text from Armin or Marco asking you to help. It's gotten very old now that you're nearing the last few months of senior year.

You toss on a t-shirt and decide the sweatpants you're wearing are good enough for school before trotting into your bathroom to brush your teeth.

Your morning routine is boring, but it's pointless to change anything. You've worked everything out so you get things done efficiently.

By quarter 'til 8, you're out the door with your backpack slung over your shoulder and your phone tucked in your pocket. The battery is dead, because you forgot to charge it.

The school is nearly across town, but you don't mind the walk. Usually Bertholdt and Marco would meet you halfway there and the three of you walk the rest of the way together.

You only see Marco standing there.

He greets you like usual and comments he hasn't seen Bertholdt. The two of you start walking and talk about how your weekends went; He mentions that there was some dispute or something down his street. There had been a lot of sirens the previous night. Neither of you think much of it; Bertholdt had mentioned some couple had gotten into a fight a week or so ago and a similar thing had happened.

You tell Marco about that stupid dinner party and he only laughs. Everyone in the group knows you're gay, yet your mother hasn't gotten the message even after you've told her multiple times. You love her anyway.

Bertholdt doesn’t come running up behind you, like you expected he might. The walk to school was just you and Marco, until the two of you end up running into Connie, who joins you in your trek across town.

There’s still no frantic yelling for you to stop at any time through the walk, like Bertholdt had accidentally forgotten something or overslept and was running to catch up to you.

“No Bert?” Connie asks, and Marco shrugs in response.

“I guess he’s sick,” Marco adds, “Though I think he would’ve texted us by now. Reiner?”

You suddenly remember your phone is dead. “Oh man,” You groan, “I forgot to charge my phone. I wouldn’t know.” Connie just laughs, and you and Marco can’t help but join in.

The walk goes smoothly, and you manage to charge your phone to a small extent using Marco’s portable charger. The battery would probably only last long enough for you to check for any messages.

You file into Homeroom--the only ‘class’ you have with Connie and Sasha--and end up completely forgetting about your phone with their distractions.

First period, English with Armin and Annie, goes on with no problems...Except the lack of Annie.

“Jean said she wasn’t in Homeroom,” Armin muses, “and Eren told me Bertholdt didn’t show up either.”

You frown at what he’s suggesting. He seems to catch that you’re getting upset at the joke and chuckles and rolls his eyes.

“You’re so transparent sometimes,” He laughs, and you pout.

“I don’t have a crush on him,” You tell him, face growing red. Crushes were for middle-schoolers; You were two months away from graduating high school.

“I never said you did,” he grins, moving to pick up his supplies to go to the next class.

This period happens to be your study period. You somehow have it with Bertholdt (which was nice in the sense you could admire his...face) and it feels empty without him.

But now you finally have the time to check your nearly dead phone.

The first thing you get is the text from your mom she’d mentioned--all it read was ‘please take the trash out tonight :)’--and you find yourself smiling at how nice a mother she was to you. Maybe you could go shopping, too, just to give her some free time.

The next thing you see is two missed calls and seven text messages from Annie.

What the fuck?

‘Please fucking call me when you see this,’ You read, then go back to the text before it--

‘I need to sleep before I drive myself crazy,’ It says. You have no clue what could be so important that she calls you twice and sends seven text messages _and_ says _please_. Maybe her father died? Her house burned down? Her neighbor’s house burned down?

You only get two more messages in (‘you’re infuriating’ and ‘I can’t believe that the one time I need you, you’re asleep’, respectively) before you remember the call from Bertholdt. Checking to see if he left a voicemail took priority to looking at Annie’s messages--Bertholdt was always your priority, even if Annie was one of your closest friends.

There was a voicemail. You don’t know why this is scaring you, but it is. Bertholdt was the type of person to only admit he was sick at the last minute and this...this was almost 12 hours ago and at least two hours before you’d even gotten home.

You try and stay calm as you press to listen to the voicemail and hold the phone up to your ear.

"Hey," Bertholdt’s quiet voice speaks, "It's Bertholdt. I was just calling to...uh, make sure you had the answers for that worksheet." You feel a cold dread begin to wash over you. The two of you did that worksheet together the other day, and you know he knows it. There’s silence in the recording. Everything feels _off_. His voice sounded terrified--

"Reiner," He mumbles and brings you out of your thoughts. You don’t expect what he says next.

"I love you very much," His voice tells you, "As more than a friend. I hope you can forgive me for what I'm doing. I never wanted to hurt you."

He sounds like he’s crying. Oh god, he sounds like he’s crying--Your phone cuts out.

You hold your phone away from you, trying to absorb the message. The battery’s dead and you have no way to read the rest of Annie’s messages or listen to Bertholdt’s voicemail again.

Bertholdt loved you? And what could he possibly be doing that would hurt you? ...Hook up with some other guy? He wasn’t really the type of person to do that. He probably couldn’t even if he was.

You then remember Marco mentioning that there’d been sirens down the street from his house. Bertholdt lived down the street from Marco’s house.

The dread rises in your throat, and for a moment it feels like you’ll suffocate. Anxiety begins to fill your head and suddenly all you can picture is the different ways Bertholdt could be dead.

Maybe it was _his_ house that burned down? Or he got hit by a car crossing the street. Or someone broke into their house and shot him--

“Reiner!” The person next to you--Hannah (you know her because her boyfriend is in three or four of your classes)--is suddenly shaking you, and you realize that everyone is staring at you.

You also realize that you’re crying.

These events lead to Hannah walking you down to the Nurse’s Office. Your sneakers against the floor echo throughout the hallway, and it just makes the situation seem even more unreal.

Nobody else is in the Nurse’s Office, sans the nurse. She waves to you and Hannah has to help you in.

Nurse...Rull? You don’t actually know her name. You haven’t been in here aside from a time you had a very bad cough.

“Hello...Reiner, right?” Nurse Rull (Rool? Rell? Something with an ‘R’) starts. You nod but stare blankly ahead at the cabinets.

“Could you give me your ID?” She asks. Again, you blankly respond and hardly notice her typing on the keyboard.

“So, Reiner, what’s the problem today? You don’t look very well.” You don’t respond this time, because you aren’t sure what to say. ‘I started crying the middle of class because my best friend may be dead’? That didn’t sound right…

Hannah, who is apparently still standing near the door, jumps in here.

“He had been looking at his phone and suddenly started crying and hyperventilating,” she tells the nurse.

You had been hyperventilating? Nurse Rull-or-something-similar’s face twists into a concerned expression.

“Are you alright?” She starts, “If someone is being rude to you, we can go to the counselor--”

“I need to charge my phone,” You whisper. She frowns.

“Your phone can wait,” She tells you sternly, only for you to shake your head and earn a deeper frown.

“I _really_ need to charge my phone,” You repeat, only slightly louder. The thoughts of Bertholdt’s dead body comes back to your mind and you’re starting to feel sick again.

Next thing you know, you’re crying again. This time you can feel the tears dripping down your cheeks and cover your face with your hands in an attempt to hide it.

“What if he’s _dead_?” You sob, “I need to know. He can’t be dead.” The room goes quiet, aside from your crying.

“Reiner, what are you talking about?” The nurse asks you urgently, and you shake your head.

“Bertholdt!” You practically shout, “it’s always Bertholdt!” Nurse Rull-or-such pulls out her radio and says something you don’t listen to into it, and gets a response you can’t understand.

“Oh my god, just let me charge my phone,” You cry, “I need to know if he’s okay. Annie must’ve known what was going on…” The last bit you say only slightly quieter, talking to yourself.

You’re so caught up in what Annie must’ve known--because _of_ _course_ Annie would know, with that crush Bertholdt surely has on her--that you don’t notice Hannah ushering you into the backroom and you lying down.

“I’ll get your charger and backpack,” She tells you, but you aren’t listening.

No, now you’re too busy worrying over the idea Bertholdt didn’t actually have a crush on Annie and had been telling the truth when he said “I love you” in his voicemail. He wouldn’t lie about something like that.

Your best friend was in love with you?

Thinking back on it, it’d make sense...right? The both of you spent a lot of your free time together. You even fell asleep in his lap when watching various shows last week with his hands brushing through your hair and everything. How stupid could you be to think he had a crush on Annie when he’d only do those things with you?

...And that very well might be one of his last memories of you, if he was dead. You telling him to confess to Annie.

Your stomach starts to feel sick at that thought.

\--

It turns out you passed out at some point in time. Your eyes snap open the instant you realize it and you grab for your phone.

Said object isn’t where you left it, and when you sit up you notice it lying on a table next to the ‘bed’ you were on. Someone had plugged it into your charger. You fumble for it and unlock it as quickly as you can, noting in the back of your mind to thank Hannah for bringing all your things.

The first thing you notice is that it’s already almost time for your lunch. The second is the battery is now at 37%. The third is another few messages from Annie.

You ignore the most recent messages in favor of going to read the first one this time.

“Bertholdt tried to kill himself,” you mumble aloud. The room suddenly feels too small.

The next message. ‘He told me he drank Bleach and took all his medicine. I called 911 and they took him to the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s alright.’ you read and find yourself skimming through the next messages quicker.

‘He told me he called you. Why the fuck didn’t you pick up?’ and ‘He’s in love with you. I thought you should know in case he doesn’t make it.’ That last one makes you feel like you’ll puke. What if he _didn’t_ make it? You don’t want to think about that.

You skip through the next three messages, because you read them earlier.

‘Are you really so useless you can’t text back?’ Sent about an hour ago. The next one was only a few minutes ago--

“Reiner, please,” it says. You’ve read it out loud, though nobody else is around to hear it. You don’t even think about texting back. You just automatically call her.

“I’m going to kill you,” is the first thing she says. She sounds exhausted and hoarse, like she’d spent all night crying. You wouldn’t be surprised if she had.

“Yeah,” you mumble, “I deserve it. Is he okay?”

Annie doesn’t say anything in response for what feels like an hour. When she finally speaks, it’s in a desperate whisper.

“I don’t know,” she tells you, “I’ve been at the hospital for the past hour, but they haven’t let me in to see him.” The meaning behind the words is fairly clear to you; either he’s dead or not doing well.

“I’ll be there soon,” You tell her, standing up. You wobble a little from standing up too quickly, but easily steady yourself before grabbing your charger and backpack.

“It’s almost time for Lunch anyway. I can just say I’m going to a fast food place,” you add. You’ve done it before, and it wasn’t that big a deal. The hard part would be getting there.

“Bring me something too while you’re at it,” Annie tells you. She hangs up before you can respond, and you glare down at your phone when you pull it away.

Nurse Rull-or-something is with someone else, but sees you exit and waves to you before you can leave the office.

“Reiner,” she calls, “if you start feeling sick, make sure you come back!” You smile at her in response and wave back to her before rushing to the Cafeteria before the bell for Lunch rang.

You’ve got Lunch with Jean, Eren and Ymir. Depending on their moods, they could either be the best or worst people to sit with. Ymir may or may not have started a food fight once at the beginning of the year.

You don’t approach your table until most people are settled down and eating. Jean looks up and shrugs to you, and you notice Eren isn’t there.

“Detention,” Jean supplies, and you roll your eyes. Ymir is across the table and staring at you boredly, head propped against her hand.

“I heard your boyfriend’s missing,” she comments. Your body feels cold at the reminder, but you try not to show it. You don’t even correct her on the boyfriend comment.

“Yeah,” you reply as nonchalantly as possible, “He’s sick. Texted me a few minutes ago and asked me to bring him some food.” Well, it wasn’t a total lie.

 “I take it you need a ride?” Ymir asks, and you nod.

“Thank fuck,” she mutters, “Let’s take as long as possible. I don’t want to go to German.”

 You can’t hold back a snort, and she rolls her eyes. She doesn’t know about the situation at all.

 It’s fairly easy to leave--maybe because school is almost done and you’re a senior. You’re walking at a much faster pace, so Ymir snaps at you to slow down.

“Jesus christ dude,” She hisses, “We’re just getting your boyfriend food.” She must notice something’s off after making the second ‘boyfriend’ comment and you not correcting her.

By the time you’ve driven to a restaurant and gotten all your food, Ymir is starting to look upset.

“It’s only gonna take 20 minutes to drop off the food and come back,” she groans, “Can we take the long way?” Is there even a long way? You shake your head and pull out your phone to ask Annie which hospital they were at.

“We’re not going to his house,” you tell her, anxiously tapping your foot. She glances over to you before focusing back on the road.

“Where the fuck are we going then?” She asks, though you can’t hear any amount of annoyance. You only shrug in response, pulling a fry out of the doggie bag and half-heartedly eating it an inch or so at a time.

Annie texts back quickly, only giving you the address. It’s a hospital in a town about 20 minutes away.

“We’re not going back to school today,” You tell her, typing the address into your phone’s GPS, “We’ve gotta take this to Annie at Westview Hospital.”

Silence falls between you two as the car stops at a red light.

“Why is Annie at the Hospital?” Ymir finally hisses, “And what does this all have to do with Bertholdt?”

You don’t want to tell her that Bertholdt tried to kill himself. He wouldn’t want anyone to know, and by telling Ymir, you’d pretty much be telling the entire group. Several minutes pass without you speaking, though Ymir seems to be driving to the hospital even without your explanation.

“Bertholdt is sick,” you finally respond, “And Annie is there visiting him.”

Ymir doesn’t say anything else during the ride there.

\---

When you finally arrive, you rush out before Ymir is even fully parked. You hardly take note of her torn look, too focused on your thoughts.

You practically burst through the doors of the hospital, and the few people standing around look up from what they’re doing at the noise you make before returning to their activities.

Annie is by herself, sitting in the corner of the room. She’s looking down at her hands, eyes seemingly red from what you can see. You briefly wonder why she's here alone, but your mind overrides that thought with the worry for Bertholdt.

“Annie,” you call, making your way over to you. She looks up when she hears you but doesn’t say anything until after you’ve given her the bag of food.

“Thanks,” she whispers monotonously.

It’s around this time Ymir finally makes it in, marching over with an upset look. Annie glares at you.

“I don’t mind missing class or anything, but can one of you explain what’s going on?” Ymir mutters, and you look down to Annie. Her gaze hardens even more, and you find yourself looking away out of nervousness.

“Bertholdt called me last night after drinking a shitload of chemicals and I called an ambulance.” She replies, “All I’ve gotten out of staff is that he’s alive.” Ymir’s face turns to a look of shock and you’re getting that cold feeling again.

“Was it...On purpose?” You and Annie fall silent at the question before Annie slowly nods her head.

“Yeah. Suicide attempt.” She trails off, deciding that was the time to start eating.

Neither of them say anything, so you don’t either. The tapping of shoes along the floor and people occasionally talking is a bit unnerving, if you’re honest. You’re quickly coming to the opinion of disliking hospitals.

Ymir is the first to speak again. “I need to tell Historia why I can’t drive her home,” she tells you.

“Just say you drove me to Bertholdt’s house,” you reply.

She starts to text that in, but stops halfway. “A two hour drive to a place 15 minutes away?” You almost wince at the harsh tone of her voice.

“And then we took him to the doctor?” She gives you an unamused look. Annie suddenly snatches Ymir’s phone out of her hands, glaring up at her.

“We’re not telling _anybody_ about this,” Annie hisses. Ymir is obviously agitated at this and you feel you may need to step between them. Which is actually a pretty stupid idea.

“He’ll freak out if the others find out.” You tense at the idea before nodding your agreement. He really would. “Obviously they will eventually,” Annie continues, “but it should be on his terms.”

Assuming he’s still alive.

Ymir gives a reluctant nod despite the peeved look. Annie hands the phone back over but watches Ymir type something up and finally nodding, likely an ‘okay’ on whatever the message was.

Another hour passes and nothing much is said. Annie goes up the receptionist towards the end of this time and beckons you and Ymir over after a few minutes of talking.

“Mr. Hoover’s currently in the ER,” the receptionist finally tells you, having stopped typing on the computer in front of him. You have to force the panic down and not snap at him.

“Anything else?” You’re surprised that it’s Ymir prompting for more information...but thinking about it, of course she’d be worried too.

“He’s stable,” the man replies. You visibly sigh in relief, running a hand through your hair.

“When do you think we could visit him?” The man looks up to you and then back down to his computer. He falls silent before reluctantly replying, “at earliest, later this evening. Though I wouldn’t count on it.”

It was rather obvious that he was telling you it was best to leave and wait it out. Ymir groans but drags you both away before you can say anything more.

You eventually get dragged out Ymir and she drives you and Annie back to your houses. You’re honestly exhausted at this point and hardly give your mother or cousin a greeting.

Gabi, your cousin, clearly doesn’t enjoy this. She gives you an exaggerated pout and practically pounces on you. You give her a stern look but give up after seeing her pout grow into nearly tears and pat her head. “Sorry,” you murmur, “I’ve had a rough day.”

She wraps her arms around you in an odd hug and it makes you cry.

“Reiner?” Your mother’s voice calls from either the Kitchen or somewhere upstairs, but you don’t reply. Instead you kneel down to hug your cousin back and crawl back to lean against the couch.

“Reiner,” your mother calls again, poking her head through the door frame, “Could you--oh.” She shuffles into the room and makes her way over to the couch, placing her hand on your forehead when you look up.

“Are you alright, sweetie?” she asks, voice quiet, “Is that Porco character bothering you again?” You shake your head--honestly, you’d be relieved that he wasn’t if it weren’t for the fact the current issue--before looking down to the ground.

“Bertholdt’s…really sick.” You trail off, wincing at Gabi’s gasp.

“Ymir drove me up to the Hospital, but we weren’t allowed to see him. That’s why I’m home late.” Gabi is practically crying now herself. You realize she probably thinks Bertholdt’s dying and give her the most reassuring look you can manage.

“He’s supposed to be alright,” you add, rubbing her back. “But I’d like to go see him tomorrow morning if I can.” Your mother quietly nods.

Hopefully he’d be awake by then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's also a sequel up already and you can expect more fics in this series coming soon-ish. I can't just leave it at this when there's so much healing to be done, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide helpline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
> 
> Message me if you ever feel alone and need help


End file.
